The sorrows of Skylena

Plan 1

2011-01-15T09:53:00.001-08:00

After knowing how to get hold of the thing that I have been looking for, I decided that for the last 5 years I shall contribute to much volunteer work for the physically disabled in singapore, and much to greenpeace (dunno how I am going to do that in singapore when it is so US centric).

Shall not whine about how pathetic my life is. From now, there are only 2 ways: work so as to earn money to support myself and save money for my parents (and to earn enough money for that thing), and secondly, to dedicate all my free time to volunteerism - a way to thank that malay guy for helping me when I most needed it.

Post wedding thoughts

2011-01-15T09:16:00.000-08:00

I attended one of my junior college friend's wedding tonight. It was strange cos I realised during these events that you really don't know much about his life. Same goes for the JC friends that you met at the table. Nothing much to talk about and you felt really bored.

Two person can talk about parking fees and carparks for 2-3 hours at a stretch. How pathetic the conversation was. And so I spent time watching the video and monitoring what I put into my mouth before the entire painstaking diet that I adhered to for 2 weeks goes to waste. Unfortunately, it did not help that another woman was so focused on asking us if we knew her brother. Hello, who know your brother when he was not in our class?

Finally, the bride and the groom came over to our table for the photo-taking session. Strange thing was, he squeezed my shoulders (umh.. do I look so lonesome?) and held my hand tightly.. I held on to reciprocate his friendliness but I did shake it off for fear that his wife was not happy. My question was: why did he touch me that way? when he never do so? and why did he not instead talk to me much?? weird, I prefer him talking to me.

And the last part when the customary handshake with the bride and groom's family members and the couple before leaving, it was lukewarm and the groom had to explain that I was his JC classmate. To me, he said "Let's meet for lunch." Umh, bride was not really happy to hear that.

During the speech given by the couple, the bride clearly said she would give him his personal space, and that I would infer that she must be a clingy type of galfriend. Umh.. I do not wish to step on someone's toes..

cringe cringe..

But other than that, I find the bride the most emotional type of gal. Coming from a rich family and used to having all the chores done, I am pretty sure my poor friend has to take care of her instead of her taking care of him.. Oh well, good luck to him!

The consequences of Assumptions

2010-09-16T19:59:00.000-07:00

I learnt a very hard lesson not to assume on a lot of things. Still remember the financial job that I was waiting for? Although I already have a lot of reservations on the job per se (I would like to see how that market will be able to function - ha!), I still wanted to try out, depending on the job package.

To think a company that launches its so-called management associate programme does not provide housing allowance, or even provide an apartment for its participants!!! Really, it doesn't have a structured programme per se already, but so little or close to nil information were provided by the company during the interviews. However, candidates were expected to go through 4-5 rounds of interviews. This means the company does not have to provide mentorship - no HR resources are used, no rental allowance, then this must be one of the lousiest programme that I have ever seen.

But wanting to see how good an offer can be, I waited till the last end and even negotiated just for a currency exchange for my salary. But guess what the HR lady says - it is too troublesome for them to do the currency conversion. Hello! what are the finance and hr for?? and there are only a handful, only ten plus people recruited per year, is it so far? And for senior management who were relocated, I am sure they are not paid in currency that are not in favour for them.

Seriously, now each time I see that company's logo, it simply tells me that it is a liar. Someone who doesn't really preach what was blasted out in the campaign and their slogan. And it is basic pr 101 that if you try hard to publicise something you cannot do, then of course there will be backlash against you. and no amount of public relations effort will help.

Another thing - I find it locally with a team of 6 pp working on a branding/PR campaigns, that their media placement is really weird. Why invest money on advertising in CBD area, when your target audience is in the heartlands? shouldn't you be advertising in areas where your consumers are, and not in the central area where the fee is much higher, but you are not really reaching out to the people you want? (Come on, people work there, and the time is when they are out for lunch - max. 2hrs). their minds will be on their work most of the time, instead of looking at your ad and thinking, oh yeah, i need that..

so very silly isn't it?

They actually need someone with the JD that I want!

2010-09-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

This is maddening. I actually went to the Hong Kong website to take a look at the communications jobs out of curiosity, and guess what? The company that I got the job actually advertised for someone with the JD that I wanted!!!!

I mean, if they are hiring people for this programme and they need someone, shouldn't we get it first? this is ridiculous. All the more makes me wonder if they purposely throw all the rubbish and lousy jobs at us.

No way am I joining them.

Life plays a joke

2010-09-05T05:47:00.000-07:00

Life really plays a big joke on me. I spent 3 years of my time, striving hard to break into the finance industry. The first year paid off - I passed my CFA level 1 in one go and that gave me the confidence. The second year I really should have rested since I had nervous breakdown juggling between CFA and Japanese, so in the end, I failed BOTH CFA level 2 and JLPT 3.

It was a huge blow for me and I decided to choose one to focus on between the two. I gave up Japanese to concentrate on CFA level 2. but I failed again. I really had enough of it cos I find that sometimes I really find it hard to understand when I am not in the line. When 8-10 hrs of my bloody waking time I was spending it on things NOT related to finance.

Then in April, I thought my next big break comes - I got interviewed and was selected to go to overseas for an assessment. I thought this was the perfect chance to be enrolled into a management associate programme. I didn't ask much cos I though during the interview we would be given some ideas of the programme. However, I realised that the whole day it was spent on asking me questions and what I can contribute to the company.

There was no structured programme, no mentor during the programme and you are not given much training. It was sickening to know that but I was elated to know that I passed the assessment test. It gave me the courage to quit the job that I was holding at that point. I did not regret quitting the current job. But then I grew angry when I realised they gave me a shit job that was practically useless. A CSR and a particular race mentoring programme that I knew didn't fit into my marketing experience. What made it worse was that there was NO budget. I was pretty angry when I first received the JD because I was like "wtf? I waited for so long for this? Why didn't they put me in branding and communications??" Then when I realised there was no budget and no firm commitment from both sides what was the point of sending me there?

So after some thought, I decided I shall just wait to see the contract since I have come so far out of sheer curiosity. But no way am I going to uproot myself to a place that no one wants to go and having a shit job with NO BUDGET, NO SUPPORT MEMBERS and NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. the worst was the lack of budget cos I firmly believe that I can do it on my own as long as I have budget cos I can engage external parties. But with no money, no talk.

so that really breaks all my finance dream once and for all. I didnt sign on the CFA again (what's the point?) and I decided since I am not continuing, the zest that I have for finance shall be gone. forever. I can only said I have sacrificed enough of my time and have jeopardised my marketing career by waiting out and hanging out for it. But enough is enough. I shall not regret as I have made the necessary effort and time and it is high time I moved on with my life.

I finally nailed a market research job! but then...

2010-04-09T20:49:00.001-07:00

I finally nailed a market research job! it is at a boutique firm, but hey, better than not being able to get in and get thrown back into idiotic marketing world again.

However, this financial company called me this time round and came knocking on the door asking me to go for a one day assessment test at Hong Kong.

But after much careful consideration, I decided to play it safe. I am not willing to go during the month of April. I am pretty sure they will not just have it during April alone, but from April - June, it is my first three months, and I dun want to take any chances with my new job.

moreover, I am still trying to clear the revision for CFA. so april is really a bad time for me. therefore, I have decided to play my cards right this time. since they only need a day, I have decided to ask for Jul/Aug (the latter the better since even if I really get the job, it will only start in October), take a one day leave (by then it should be better to take just one day leave) and then go for the assessment in Hong Kong. I feel I will also be much better and more confident (cos I already got a permanent job with me).

I guess the main reason for not wanting to let go this chance is the fact that it might be able to fulfill my ultimate dream of jet-setting the world and have international exposure in my work and career. And have the chance to live independently without forking out money to buy a house now (am going to save hard to buy a flat when I turn 35).

so, after careful consideration, this is my plan. If the company cannot wait for me, or have selected enough candidates for their April assessment, so be it then. Cos I cannot give up something concrete for something so fluid in the air..

2010 resolutions

2010-02-05T19:57:00.000-08:00

Ok, this comes really late since it is already end of first week of Feb. But for this year there are 2 resolutions that unfortunately is not within my control.
First - to get an analytical job. I began to find that banking does not offer me any options that I am comfortable with. Front office is too sales-centric and I no longer can kid myself that I can do sales for the rest of my career. Research and investment advisory.. hmmm, unfortunately I am not smart enough to do that. Middle office is too operational and no way am I going to do endless reports that is just for reporting purposes. I did think about compliance but then it might be too law by law for me. Back office is forget-it. Right now I am in a marketing role in a private bank, swiss bank somemore. Everything that I wanted to be in last year. But I think God sometimes think way better than me, and He does have a reason to delay my wish. After the initial adrenaline, I began to observe and see and read everything I could possible about a swiss private bank. And it is horrible. The marketing stuff are the stuff that I hated most. Really hated it - events and making premiums. yucks.

My colleague kept telling me to stay on stay on and perform well cos never know if I can be converted to permanent. But then deep inside I know this is the type of marketing I hated the most. I am not coming to do this shit day in day out. So I am sending out resumes now - knowing I need to stick to marketing arena but specialising in certain fields only. And market research is again going to be one of my options to break in. Hopefully it would be easier. Another way is to enter a management consultancy firm. But that is difficult.

But one thing for sure, based on my past experience, my career needs to have 2 elements: First, more analytical, meaning compiling results, charting and writing analysis. Second, have an advisory role. I love it deep inside although I hated it when pp refuses to listen to me.

I think management suits me better and management consultancy is the field for me. But alas, it will be difficult for me to break in - AGAIN.

My second resolution - I really really really really really hope to have a relationship this year. Really.. REALLY. But I know I cannot control this.. SIGH.

some more rambles..

2009-12-15T05:13:00.000-08:00

now the only thing I would lament is that I will never experience the joy of falling in love, the joy of getting married.. not sure about the kids though.. although that doesn't mean if I dun end my life by 29, I will enjoy these anyway..

oh well, forget it. I am tired of waiting for Mr Right as well..

I found a poison pill!

2009-12-15T05:07:00.000-08:00

I love the wonders of internet. God bless the person who invented this.. after searching for some days, I thought I would never be able to get hold of lethal poison to kill myself in a painless and fuss-free way..

I have finally found it!!! realised that I should not go down the lane of lethal injection, instead I should go google suicide.. My only fear is that they would only send out the poison pill to those who are suffering from end-stage terminal illness.

But I am clear-headed and rather calm (actually very calm) going about doing this. unfortunately I am unable to fulfill my wish to die before christmas (i really wanted to make 2009 my last christmas spent on this earth).

But I would be okay to wait till the pill is fully developed and ready for sale in 2010. Either way, I am determined to end my life at the age of 29.

I think enough is enough, and I am rather sick of myself complaining all the time as well. There is this constant tiredness that I cannot shake off. And I want to really rest eternally for now..

Re-adjusting to life

2009-12-06T23:21:00.000-08:00

I think everyone will have their moments of ups and downs. For me it is the same as well.
Slowly, very slowly, I am letting go of my banking dream.. a good one, one that I had tried (it was fairly bitter compared to the rest)and I have put in the most effort into it.

Now it is time to say bye bye to it.. hopefully by 6 months down the road, when I flip the papers and read about banking news, it will just be another piece of news to me.. the same as a crime news, or an international current affairs news.

Going for a trade and investment related job, it might turn out to be another bull-shitting job (aka they described till it is very lofty but actually you are just doing the shit admin coordination job..)

I don't think I have the passion for public relations.. even though it is branded as investor relations, it is just public relations.. the end. Hopefully I will have better luck in moving slowly towards a more trade and investment role, and hopefully this will open my eyes to more embassies and consulting work. or even my dream government agency work..

haha... most importantly the starting ground does not seem so bad. I badly want to get into a job that allows me to travel, and this job will just do that. I want a job that has some research, well it does have. I want a job that can leverage on my marketing skills (whatever that I have), and it does.. and I want to meet more new pp.. yeah it does gives as well.

so wish me luck (cos I don't have the luck at finding the lethal injection yet).. and hopefully I will be back in action in a new way..

Misunderstood and discouraged

2009-12-02T05:59:00.000-08:00

I am feeling very misunderstood.. and discouraged.. never ever got a single job that I really wanted.. from wanting to enter the police force but kept getting rejected, to not able to get into banking although I have been trying very hard (not asset management, no insurance, not broking firm).

and the worst thing is I have a tendency to let go when I cannot get what I want...so I float from one place to another place..

Today is another day.. I have finally told myself that there is no hope of me breaking into banking anymore. It is a heartache to me.. and a dull sadness came over me. But I really cannot bring myself to do public relations and not knowing when I can enter banking. I never wanted to do public relations, I never wanted to do secretary work. All I want to do is to enter banking. For more money. But since the money is less than what I am getting now, the incentive is lost...

so I have to enter another field.. and I think I will get lost.. recently I constantly feel very tired. Tired of my own existence in this world. And wonder if I will have the energy to continue. I seriously want to make 29 my last year in this world. But I cannot find someone who will supply me lethal injection - guess I am a coward in trying to end my life. I will have to try hard enough, or engage a killer to do the job for me. But then a killer will not help me to burn my body and throw my ashes away. More likely they will dump my body into a drain or an open field for it to rot on its own. And I will not be there to do my own logistics. Which is annoying.

I am still figuring out how to make 2009 christmas my last christmas.... hopefully in this aspect, I will not be disappointed again.

Spinster for the rest of my life?

2009-11-29T05:01:00.001-08:00

Feeling quite sad today.. because I got this feeling that I will not meet any guy in my life. and now I am contemplating becoming a nun when I get older..

I feel like a big loser actually. Getting nowhere in life - career wise, it is like shit. romance wise big zero. so I have really nothing much to lose in this world.. sometimes I really wish I can just sleep and never never never wake up again..

Facing being Ostracised

2009-10-04T03:53:00.000-07:00

I am now going back to the feeling of being ostracised.. and this brings me back to my primary school days.. in fact, primary one days when I had a school bully. this gal actually leads the whole gang and anyone who doesn't pay "tribute" to her will be deemed an outcast. I remembered once I caved in because I cannot stand being alone. However, shortly after I decided I am better off alone than bowing down to some bitch.

Never expected that in my new job I will face the same thing. I am now supposedly servicing two teams but one team is ignoring me, albeit I did try to speak or ask for job to do. The boss who interviewed me said that it is a new role but I didn't know that people doesn't know my presence or my role. It is very funny in a sad way. I was very hunged up and lost sleep for one night thinking over this.

It has been 2 weeks and I have slowly decided 2 things: - i cannot leave this job because it is the closest to the field that I want to break into eventually. Secondly, I will not take this lying down and want to prove that I can help in anyway I can.

so I am going to give myself 2 years here: apparently the first year is to learn. so I am going to tell myself that. the second year is to contribute as much as I can and set some new settings up right.

In the end, I am going to practise positive thinking.. the team that actually approved my pay and position and is giving me work to do (and friendly towards me) is actually the other team. and for these next 3 months I should pay attention to it. the other team I will refuse to take on any secretarial work for the boss (one is enough I think) and will wait for any opportunities to break into the client's side.

Anyway I am going to tell myself that 2 years is very easy to pass. and I will take this period to finish up my CFA programme. so that I have one less thing to struggle and juggle with when I finally break into the banking industry.. I have done the one year mark in my previous job. this shall be the next one.. with an additiona year.

Loneliness and Disappointment

2009-02-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

I realised that there are two killers in life that can slowly eat you away from within. One, loneliness. Second, disappointment.
People always say that life is a journey and it will be best to go through it with someone. It can be your friends, your family and your loved one. Although eventually you have to go through it alone by yourself, it just makes a whole lot of difference to have someone by your side.
It is good to have friends, but they get married, have their own life, have their children.. and they just disappear from your life and your social circle. As you grow older, you realised that you have fewer friends.
It doesn't help when your family is not close and does not provide emotional support. Actually I do believe there are people, in fact thousands of people who face the same problems. This is something that I always try to console myself with. There are far more people who don't even have a decent shelter to live in. But the emptiness you feel within yourself when you have no one to talk to, to share your joy and sorrows. So I came up with this thought some time ago - there are two types of pain in this world - actual poverty where people don't have food, shelter, education. These are what I call the Visible Pain.

Then there is the Invisible Pain. Those who feel lonely, empty, ostracised and left behind by this world, by the mainstream society, people who get getting rejected.. they are the one whom I feel sorry for (and I am one of them as well) whom you cannot see the pain, and they cannot get the help they need because simply it is invisible.

I guess today it has reached another limit in my life today.. when you just cannot take it anymore again.. and slipped into the deep dark abyss of depression again.

Lonely.. that is where I want to continue

2008-02-12T13:12:00.001-08:00

guess if there is anyone who actually read this post, you might not know my profile.. and wonder why my blog name is so sad..

Yes, I am sad.. and recently the urge to find my MR RIGHT gets stronger and stronger..there is this innate tiredness from within where I want to have someone to run to when I am sad, and not all by myself. I tried now to explore online dating forums and have chatted with a few, but to no avail.. my friend introduce me to her colleague via email - lukewarmly though after I asked her somemore..

I wonder where else can I honestly find...I am tired of being alone and want to spend my life with someone.. but of course I do not wish to find someone for the sake of finding it only..but it is so hard.. I hope GOD dun forget me in this department and may I really find someone soon..
real soon..

Another new environment.. another long haul to go

2008-02-12T13:04:00.000-08:00

Again, I have moved on to another new place.. yes, think this is the 5th or 6th job that I have been at within my 4 years of work.

After trying very hard to squeeze into marketing, I have realised that I am not going to make any headway into the big MNCs... and handling full brand management as I hope I would like.

With someone telling me there is a finance course that you can self-study and understand the industry, I decided to take the plunge and move on.. when the opportunity opens..

Frankly speaking, I am not too sure if I made too bold a step... but then all I know is I am too disillusioned with marketing.. so hoping finance would be a better future for me.. But, the people in this industry are more scheming, and so I got my first taste of how they look down on me during chinese new year's eve. It kinda ruined my mood although I do not wish to... the pressure is there to learn new things, but then I am trying to keep it sane..

Plus there is a whole new environment and place to adapt to, the people and all those usual stuff again.. but since I have stepped in, I can only continue as far as possible. But it gets lonely.. really lonely sometimes when I go for lunch alone.. at my past company, it took me 2 months to get invited to lunch.. it was long and trying..

Lonely is the key word now, and I wish that I am able to meet someone within this area to make friends with.. I am quite tired actually..

Hopefully by the time I hit 30, I can slowly move on to more relationship management roles in private banking sector..

Two Faced Bosses

2007-01-06T07:27:00.000-08:00

I have finally witnessed the scariness of my new boss today. In a small office, from a small staff strength of 4 whereby everyone was peaceful working and minding their own business, in came one stupid fucking asshole, who talked on the phone damn loudly and stomped around the office asking people for details details details (he can eat shit man..)

As if one Asst Marketing Manager is not enough with her constant fickle-minded ideas on promotional materials.... the GM is even worse.

the most memorable and one that I will be aware of the most.... the GM said during meeting.. "you should all learn the art of slapping the person from one side and sayang the other side by pretending to be a friend".

I think I should be more beware of him and cut off all conversations with this office people on him. I also cannot believe that these people actually thought I arrogant.. but frankly speaking, I do not admire anyone of them. All those "admiration" are fake, in order to build the necessary rapport to get things done. So, from this point onwards, I dare not speak about anything of my colleagues to another colleague. It will be just the normal, usual talk....

I also don't expect any confirmation raise from this company nor any bonuses nor 13th month. But I do know that I will only stay here till Dec and I will start looking for job in October. I hate this place and also know I cannot learn much from here...... so I want to find something outside to boost my track record so that I can break into the luxury goods market soon.

Really hope I can move into LVMH or Richemont in 2008...... as marketing exec... and enjoy better pay..

I hate this place here and all the people... I swear that I will make sure none of these people come close to me when I move on to greener pastures... and from this moment onwards, I no longer give a damn about my company's products already. Even if it dropped, or fell apart, I will close one eye and leave.. and continue to support my competitor...

Hate my current boss

2006-11-28T06:46:00.000-08:00

Really sick and tired of current boss.. she is so messy and disorganised that I can' t stand it. She doesn't spend the time to think through what she wants and just kept asking me to think of new ideas.

Yet, I don't really know what she wants. If she could point me the correct direction, then it would be good. And I don't have to waste my precious time doing stuff that she doesn't bother to see.

Waste of my time. And she even told me she gotten a job offer at F&N. My god, next year after December and getting my 13th Month, I don't even care about her man... She is so messy, cannot even manage people, will only sia suay herself in a big company man...

I hate her but on the surface I must pretend to help her. Felt like telling her to fuck off man!

Have you ever felt so lonely and isolated?

2006-10-28T08:19:00.000-07:00

I always wanted to know if anyone out there ever felt so lonely and isolated that you want to tear your hair out, cry your heart out, or take your passport and leave behind the home and country to go somewhere out there as an entirely different person?

I always harboured the thoughts of staying overseas, cutting away all ties from my family. Life is such a pain, when your family members doesn't care about you emotionally. They think feeding you, clothing you and giving you an education is good enough. It is not. It is never. The only reason why they gave birth to you was because they hope you are a boy. Turns out you are not and they abandon you for two weeks.

I never really ask for much. But just some care and concern. We never exchange words about our thinking. I am so sick of my mother's complaining and endless whining that I have stopped listening to her for a very very long time. She always complained about her life and how badly treated she was from her own mother. I really hate it cos there is nothing I can do, and she will always try to treat my grandmother well. When she gets treated badly in return, she will complain and complain again.. I realised I hate my mother cos she doesn't appreciate me.

When she was sick, I was always the one who was beside her. I remembered that when I was in my fourth year, I was so busy with my FYP and she was down with some fainting spell. I spent my time jetting from home and school, so tired of it all and my stupid useless uncle will reprimand me. I hate all of my relatives and I wish I never have to have any contact with them.

After I graduated, I was hit with SARS in my country and a bout of bad spells followed. I job-hopped around and decided to apply for teaching. In the end, at the end of the fourth month, I got this chance to go into marketing, a line that I decide I got to try it out before I turn 30. I hate it when my father was irritated.

I hate the fact that no one ever supports me although they say it on their lips. It is like paying lip service. I am struggling hard alone and it is tough when there is no one to support you in whatever decision you make. I do not wish to live a life dictated by my parents cos they are never in my life anyway. They treat me as a nuisance and similarly, I treat them as a nuisance when they are sick.

Still vivdly remembered I was badly scalded by my sister and my mother complained to my father of bringing me to the doctor for dressing was a terrible chore. I never forget that. It was really hurtful to me and till now I can still remember it.

That is why as I grew older I decide to rebel against each and every of their wish. I never want to follow them anymore. But I know one day I will crash and burn, cos no one can live alone with no one's support.

That is why I once came near to killing myself. But then I decided to back out.

I dunno if anyone out there will read this blog or not. Will there be anyone who might think "not again, another such blog on this..it is so common.." But deep down, I hope that although physically I am trapped in this family and country, I hope through this blog I can find someone who is also in the same predicament as me and can share with me their experiences.
I hope to form an online support group so that I know at least someone out there in this big world knows me, understand me and give me the courage to go on living the life I want to live.